all black

I'm wearing all black today to show respect for my old life.  I think I'm mourning the loss of having time to do things I love, spend large quantities of time with my children, and having one on one time with my husband.  Ok...so really I'm wearing black because that's all I could find that didn't need to be ironed, but the part about mourning is true.  I suppose I should be looking at the glass as half full and celebrating my new adventures ahead.  Sometimes I do, but right now I'm feeling a wee bit overwhelmed.  The weeks ahead look impossible.  I'm already feeling my two year old cling to my leg more, as if he knows what is about to happen.  He can sense that mom will be gone a lot and his life too will be different.

What have I gotten myself into?

don't scare me

For a brief moment today, I thought Sol was lost. I thought he was with Q and, he thought I knew Sol was outside. After we circled the house and could not find our 21 month old son, I started to panic. Turns out he was in his sister's room with the door shut.

I can't get that panic feeling out of my heart. My mind knows that he his safe, but part of me still has that panic inside. I suppose I always have a little of that inside me. That's what mother's do, we worry. I now appreciate or at least understand why my mother worried all the time. She made us wear bike helmets long before it was the norm. I have inhereted this from her. A gene that passed on to make me a worry stricken parent. I know I should relax but, I can't. The worry is part of me.

My children are everything. Without my family I would be lost. I get glimpses of what the love of Christ is like when I feel how much I love my children. The life giving kind of love.