near death

Today my mother told me about the day I was inches away from death.  My mom, her then boyfriend, Ron, my two older brothers and I were going swimming on a hot summer day 1986. I was seven years old. We had to park across a large highway from our swimming hole. We all hopped out of the van excited to swim.  I, being seven, was anxious to get there.  Without looking both ways before crossing the street, like my mother had always taught me, I stepped out into the highway.  My mother saw my action and also saw the oncoming semi truck.  As I stepped out into the oncoming traffic, she reached out and grabbed my pony-tailed hair.  While she pulled be back toward her and before I was even clear of the highway, the massive truck sped past us, missing me by mere inches.  I am sure that we continued on to the swimming hole.  I am certain I was oblivious to the real danger that I had narrowly missed.  I have no memory of this day or the events that occurred in it.  For many years after, this image of me stepping into harms way, haunted my mother's dreams.  A true mother's nightmare.

Seconds. Inches. These are the fragments of time and space that stood between me and death before the age of accountability.  Since Mother told me this story earlier today, I have had images flashing in my mind.  Not only images of grieving parents who have lost their only daughter, but images of things that would have never come to pass if that summer day had become fatal.  Two childhood best friends would never have become sisters.  A certain blind date would never have led to love.  Three beautiful spirits would have been born to someone else.

But seconds and inches are all that is needed to preserve life.  And because of the quick actions of a mother's instincts, I am here living a beautiful life.  Today I count my blessings a little more sincerely, because all it takes is seconds and inches to take them all away.

traditions

Four days ago, I sat on a beach in Trinidad, California watching my family.  There was just us, five Lowrys, alone on the sand. An overwhelming feeling of joy came over me as I watched Q and Sol walk hand in hand along the waters edge.  I smiled as I observed Corbin and Eliza dancing and playing in the surf.  I knew then, that I was exactly where I was suppose to be.  I was with the only people that really matter, doing what we love most.

We have been coming to Trinidad once a year during the summer since before Corbin was born.  It has become a tradition that helps define who we are.  Our children may not be able to remember what events occurred in which year, but they will be able to remember the sounds, and sights, and smells that only the Northern California Coast can bring.  They will have a feeling of nostalgia as they think back on our family tradition.  It was this train of thought that led to a flash-forward moment, of seeing my children grown, with children of their own on this very same beach, instilling in them the tradition we began so long ago.  I realized that this tradition will ring strong when they are grown, as it does for me now.

hand in hand

Corbin took Eliza's hand and led her to play on the playground, so she wouldn't be afraid.  I held Sol on my lap while swinging on a swing, listening to his laughter. And as Q snapped pictures, I thought, "This is it. This is as good as it gets. This is why we are here."  It was a moment when I saw without obstruction the joy that having a family brings.  The kind of moment that should happen more often, but I am frequently too busy or preoccupied to notice.  How many times have other moments like this passed me by without realizing it?  I have rarely appreciated my family more than I did in that moment.

My life is good.  I am very, very blessed.  

all black

I'm wearing all black today to show respect for my old life.  I think I'm mourning the loss of having time to do things I love, spend large quantities of time with my children, and having one on one time with my husband.  Ok...so really I'm wearing black because that's all I could find that didn't need to be ironed, but the part about mourning is true.  I suppose I should be looking at the glass as half full and celebrating my new adventures ahead.  Sometimes I do, but right now I'm feeling a wee bit overwhelmed.  The weeks ahead look impossible.  I'm already feeling my two year old cling to my leg more, as if he knows what is about to happen.  He can sense that mom will be gone a lot and his life too will be different.

What have I gotten myself into?

memoirs

I have often thought about writing a book.  A novel is out of the question because it requires dialog, and I am no good at writing that.  But recently I have read books that are memoirs of the lives of women.  I thought these books were so fascinating.  I loved looking into other peoples lives and seeing how they live.  The craziness in their life, made me feel as though there were others who experienced hardship mixed in with the fun and good, just like mine.

So I thought about it.  Yes, I could write a memoir about my life.  My childhood was just crazy enough, and I turned out just normal enough that it might work.  Then I realized that if I were to write a book about my life, I would have to write ALL of it.  The good, the bad, and the truly horrible.  Which would mean talking about things that have never been talked about.  It would exploit the actions of all of us,  myself included, some known and some unknown. Honesty would mean my family would be offended and embarrassed and I could lose some very important people in my life if it were ever to be published.

I think that, at least for now, there are some things that should remain unspoken.

finding balance

I struggle between wanting to give my children everything and wanting them to learn the value of work.  I want them to know that life isn't free but sometimes just want to give them something special "just because".

I recently read the book, "Glass Castle" that depicted the amazing life of a family who lived on nothing.  Among other things, they ate moldy bread and canned ham with maggots and food from other people's trash.  They lived in a shack and as children the loved going to school because it meant they would be warm and dry and have at least one meal that day.   They considered everyday items like shoes, clothes, baths and food as luxuries.  My emotions were so conflicted between feeling sorry for them and having a great admiration for them that I would put the book down not knowing if their life, or my life was better?  While I realize that my life with its warm home and bountiful food to eat is probably more desirable, I wonder if the plentiful lifestyle is detrimental to my children's upbringing.  Are they learning anything from being given everything?  Do they understand that although they may not like the taste of their chicken enchilada dinner, that somewhere a child will go without dinner tonight?  That ice cream is a luxury and not a necessity?

I was particularly struck by my internal struggle when in the book, the parents have no presents for their children for Christmas so the father took each child aside and gave them each a chance to pick and name their very own star from the sky.  I compare that to our own Christmas, with presents overflowing from beneath the tree and stockings stuffed with sweets and gifts.  Our children were so excited to see the presents on Christmas morning and loved their new bicycles and toys and clothes.  Then a few days later we gathered with our friends at a fun function to find out that our children were the only children in our group of friends that did not get Nintendo DS's from Christmas.  How do I explain that Santa Claus gave them DS's but not us?  How do I explain to them that we are the "poor" ones in our group, when in fact we are not "poor" at all, but do not have quite as much as others?  I tried to explain that each family is different, that we all live with different budgets and different lifestyles, but to this day (two months later) I daily hear the complaint that they do not have these hand-held video games that everyone else seems to have.  How do I help them be happy with what they have, instead of yearning for what they do not?

How do I help MYSELF be happy with what I have instead of looking at others in envy?

I find solace in the fact that I even ask the question.  The day that my life becomes extreme and I give in to one side or the other is when I should start to worry.  I suppose that is what life is about, finding balance in all things.

our friends family

I love my family.  My parents, my siblings, my exteneded family.  But I have another family.   They are my "friends family".  We don't get to choose our family when we are placed hereon earth and sometimes our personalities do not mesh as well as we'd like.  But our friends are the family we choose.  The family we pick because we admire their qualities, like their personalities, and enjoy just being with them.  We love them as if they were our own families.  But they have families of their own, and at times they must do what is necessary to provide for and protect those families.

We have an amazing group of friends.  People we admire emensely.  It is always sad when one of them moves away so that they can provide for their family.  I admire those that are willing to do what is necessary to be provident providers.  Even if it means that we don't get to see them as often.

When I think about my Friends Family I am amazed at the goodness people have within them.  They are amazing examples goodness.  In each of my friends I find many qualities that I try to emulate.  Just by example they encourage me to be better than I am.

Thank you friends.

thanksgiving....a week late

Now that Thanksgiving is over and my family is coming out of the flu infested weekend, I feel the need to express my gratitude for all that I have.

I never in my wildest dreams thought I would be as blessed as I am.  Ok...I did dream wildly about it, but never thought it would actually happen.  I have so much to be thankful for.  When I start to think about it, the blessings are so abudant that I couldn't possibly list them all, but here are a few.

• I am married to my favorite person in the world.  How many people can say that?
• My three children are quite possibly the cutest kids on the planet. Not to mention the smartest and sweetest and funniest and greatest and most talented and...
• Quinn has a job.  And not just a job, but one that he likes and one that supports our family and helps us live comfortably.
• My healthy body. My family is healthy. 
• I have a testimony of the gospel of Jesus Christ. 
• Quinn is a worthy priesthood holder and leads our family righteously.
• I have amazing friends that I consider family.
• I live in one of the most beautiful places on earth.  Somewhere I could happily live forever.
• All the things that I often take for granted, that so many do not have; a beautiful home, a comfortable bed, an abundance of food to eat, clothing to wear, a warm shower...

Many, many more come to mind.  But I must go take care of those cute, talented, smart children.

a day of rest

The Sabbath is suppose to be a day of rest.  Mine usually is not.  Sometimes they are more work than any other day of the week. 

I'm not sure why, but it seems the kids are grumpier on Sundays.  In turn, I am grumpier.  I don't want to be.  I don't want to lose my patience on the 2nd, 3rd, 4th, 5th time to take a child out of sacrament meeting.  I don't want to lose my cool, when my 5  year old blatently disobeys.  I don't want to feel frustrated when another child tells me he thinks he's going to throw up while we're sitting in the church pew. I don't want to angrily take away the new birthday toys of a strong willed child, throwing a fit.

But I did all those things today.

It's not that I had to walk in and out of the chapel 5 times, or discipline a disobedient child, or nurse a sick baby that leaves me feeling defeated at the end of the day.  It's the disappointment in myself that I did not combat these things with compassion and love.  Instead I let annoyance and anger take over.  And for that I am ashamed.

At the end of the day I want my children to feel loved.  So I took some time to cool off.  I went to lay down with Lu who had been banished to her bed for the night.  Told her I loved her, kissed her goodnight, and vowed to have a better day tomorrow.

happy 31 to me

Today is my birthday. 31.

Bright and early I received a call from my brothers. Reese and Todd were on their way to their Colorado hunting trip (a past time I will never understand why they enjoy) so they called to wish me Happy Birthday before they went out of cell phone range.

It was Todd on the phone. I miss him. A lot. When I think about it, it makes me ache. Todd was my sibling I was closest to as a child. Not necessarily in age, but in spirit and connection. He would let me tag along everywhere. Even when we were teenagers, he would invite me to go places and hang out with him and his friends. For a time, Todd and I lived with Mom by ourselves. Maybe that's why I felt closer to him than everyone else. We had many times when we were each other's only companions.

Sometimes I wonder what it would have been like if my family was more like Q's family. What if my parents still loved each other? What if there had been no divorce? What if we were one happy family? Deep in the bottom of my soul, I wish this was the truth. But it is not. And when I do think of it, my guilt seeps in. I seem to have a lot of that; guilt. Because I do love my family how it is. I love my sister and younger brothers and step parents. I know that I wouldn't have them if things were different. But I can't help myself sometimes. When I want what I'll never have.

So when I hung up the phone, after a big Happy Birthday shout from Reese, I cried. Silent, but very real, tears.

Labor Day

We live in the most amazing place. I will be completely content if I live here forever. We chose a family bike ride to celebrate the holiday that is Labor Day. Q pulled the trailer with Eliza and Sol, Corbin rode and I too rode my bike that has seen more use in the last 6 months than in the previous 11 years since Q enthusiastically bought it for me. Poor guy. I am certain he thought I would liken to his hobby of mountain biking. But it quickly became evident I am not suited for riding a bike up and down a mountain. But today yeilded itself to slow riding on a paved trail along side the incredible Sacramento River.

We forgot our helmets. Had this been 20 years ago, it would not a have even crossed my mind to be concerned about this. Ahh...but we live in 2010 and those that do not have protective headgear for their children riding bicycles are looked down upon. Borderline child neglect or endangerment. "Don't they know that it's not safe to have their child riding without a helmet?" Well at least this is how it seems to me. I felt as though everyone was thinking this as we happily rode past. Probably mostly in my imagination, but still the guilt riddles me.

Lack of helmets aside, it was a very enjoyable morning. Beautiful weather, beautiful scenery, beautiful family.

Happy Day.

a little about me - 1st pharm tech assignment

Like most people, my life is broken into different parts. Childhood and adulthood. Pre-marriage and after matrimony. Life before children and life during parenthood. As a working woman and as a stay-at-home-mom. So rather than fight it, I'll write within the “parts” of my existence.

Childhood was...challenging, fun, happy and sad. Living out two lives, one with my father's family and one with my mother's family, gave me many opportunities to try and figure out who I was. Learning to be me, was hard. For many years I was one person at Mom's and a different person at Dad's.

Living on a working Apple Ranch in Round Mountain, CA my dad taught me the value of work. From a young age, working in the orchards was expected, and for the most part enjoyed. My dad remarried when I was five, and I inherited a new sister and step-mother. And then a few years later, along came three more brothers, bringing our Brady Bunch family to a total of 7 children; five boys and two girls. Blending us all together to try and make a happy family was...challenging. At times it worked, and we felt united, at other times it was disastrous. Spending 2nd through 5th grade living with my father's family was both rewarding and exhausting.

Upon entering middle school, I transferred homes to live with my mother, in Redding, CA. Here I too learned different lessons that helped shape me into who I am. I went from a tiny mountain community school of 20 per grade, to a large middle school of 300 per grade. Where did I fit in? My mother encouraged me to participate in music and sports, which led to making new friends and soon, enjoying my new independence. For the most part I was now an “only child” (except for when my two older brothers joined me on the weekends and when I spent other weekends and holidays with my dad), which was a far cry from being the middle child of 7. I continued to participate in as many activities as I could; choir, basketball, track and field, and student government were among my favorites. Nearing the end of my middle school years, my mother remarried, along with my new step-father I gained another step brother and sister. Unfortunately it was a union that I did not adjust to well. Through the end of my middle school years and through high school I learned that school was my solace. It was where I could escape. I piled on more activities and sports and learned to spend a lot of time with friends. On the weekends I spent with my father, I worked at the movie theater our family owned in Fall River Mills. I learned to be resilient and independent. I learned to make the best of an unpleasant situation and focus on the good in my life. After a little experimentation I quickly learned, that faith in God and hard work, was a better recipe for changing my circumstances than parties and drugs. My mother divorced her second husband. End of sob story.

I graduated from high school and spent a year at Shasta College taking a little of this and that, not knowing what I wanted to do or become. I spent a lot of time at school, working various jobs (restaurant, elderly care and childcare) and spending time with my friends, most of whom I met through church and the Institute of Religion near the college. Shortly after starting college I was introduced to an amazing man. We began courting. Even though he lived in Arizona where he attended Arizona State University, we managed a long distance relationship.

At 18 years old, I married Quinn Lowry and moved with him to Arizona where we both attended school. I attended Mesa Community College and he continued at ASU. Finally my life was quiet. My husband and I could live how we believed with out the “noise” of my childhood. Moving a far distance from my childhood family gave me time to focus on my new little family. I worked during the day as an office manager for an architecture firm in Scottsdale, AZ and went to school at night. On Sundays I taught Sunday School lessons young children at church. After about two years in the Phoenix area, Quinn graduated, and we moved to Salt Lake City, UT where he was accepted into the University of Utah's Graduate School of Architecture. We lived on campus in the old, run-down married student housing. We both searched for work and I soon found a fantastic job at the University of Utah Hospital where I worked as the Executive Secretary for the Operating Room Department. Doing payroll, HR, organizing events and getting to know the 130 employees in our department was a treat. I also enjoyed being in the hospital environment working with all different people with one common purpose; to provide excellent care to each and every patient. Along with working at the UofU I taught lessons to the Relief Society (women's organization) once a month at church. I also enrolled in community based classes, taking guitar lessons, floral arrangement and cake decorating. We had decided that because we were now living in a new state and paying out of state tuition, that I would put my schooling on hold while Quinn finished his masters degree. We grew to love the Salt Lake Valley and all the other couples and families that lived in student housing with us.

Two years past and we left Salt Lake City and headed home to Redding, CA. Having spent several years away from my family, I learned to value them and appreciate the many good and meaningful things my parents taught me. While I always knew I loved them and maintained a good relationship, I now was ready to accept them back into my life in a more accessible way. I wanted to live near them, and raise my children where they could know and love their grandparents.

Quinn went back to work for the architecture firm in town that he had worked for on summer breaks from college before we were married. I found a great job working for as the Department Secretary in Redding Medical Center's Cardiac Rehab Department. After being there for several months, the hospital, and the Cardiac Department in particular, started having difficulties. Cutbacks were made and hours reduced. To help keep up my hours, I began assisting the director of the then newly implemented Bariatric Surgery Department at RMC. After being back in Redding for a short time, we found ourselves buying a home to accommodate our growing family. However, the hospital needed to make more cut backs and I was laid off from my positions at Redding Medical Center. Even though my plan was to work through my pregnancy, I was still able to keep busy by helping teach, plan, and supervise activities with the Young Women (12-18 year old girls) in our church. Our first baby boy (Corbin) was born and I quickly became a stay-at-home-mom. I enjoyed this very much.

I was now changing diapers, going to the park, watching Elmo, teaching children to walk, and practicing so many other aspects of motherhood. I always enjoyed being at home with my children (now 3 of them: Corbin, Eliza, Solomon), but I still wanted to help earn extra income for our family. Over the years I have become a chameleon, changing my job for what would allow me flexibility of working and still taking care of my children full time. I have taught English/Writing Skills to home-schooled children through Modoc Charter School. I became a home based customer service operator for major companies like ShopNBC and TimeLIFE. Working the night shift at Kohl's department store placing signage was fine until I wore out with exhaustion from working all night and taking care of my kids during the day. There were even times that I worked from home through the internet for Lionbridge rating websites for search engines. I also ventured into entrepreneurship opening my own web-based clothing business. After 2 ½ years I closed the store to try to look for something more consistent.

As if I wasn't busy enough with raising children and working part time, I changed positions in church now working with the Relief Society again, but as the secretary and then later a Counselor (similar to a Vice president) to the President of the organization. Once my children entered school, I also felt a need to participate in their education by volunteering once a week in the classroom. To fulfill a longtime dream of living in a home that my husband designed, I oversaw and managed the construction of a beautiful new home for our family.

With my children growing older and the economy being uncertain, I feel once again that it is important for me to continue my education so I can be more marketable in the career world. I have extremely enjoyed working in the hospital setting in previous employment and would like to become a hospital pharmacy tech. With my family always being my first and most important aspect of my life, I am hoping to work part time until my children are older. I am hoping that because I want to work the “off hours” (evenings and weekends) so I can be at home with my children during the week, I will be able to fill a void where most most people do not want to work.

It is amazing where life takes us. How are decisions can be and are our own. I am constantly amazed at where my decisions have taken me and am excited to find out where I will go next. I have grown to love life more fully as I grow wiser with age. I attribute my happiness to a good sense of self, a devoted husband, a great family and a loving God.

the world goes round

I am here. The world is still going round, and I am not the center of it. I suppose I knew it would, but sometimes I get caught up in what I am doing, not doing, missing, etc. I started my first day of school. And without me, Corbin and Eliza both had their first soccer games of the season (Eliza's being her first game of all time!). Quinn should get the soccer dad award with two soccer games with the players and a toddler in tow. He even brought the team snack. Without complaint. He really is an amazing father. I looked at the clock and sent a little good luck wish to each of them when then their games started, as I sat in a sterile classroom with 22 other students who were missing their own "soccer games".

The professor let us out early so I got to come home and spend the afternoon with my family! For that I am truly grateful.