people vs things

When we ask someone what they value more: people or things, the spoken response is almost always "people".  But then I am always surprised when their actions speak otherwise.  I especially notice this when someone I love picks a thing over me.  It stings.  It makes my stomach ache and my heart weep.  I am offended.  But mostly I am disappointed.  Disappointed that someone I love chose IT over ME.  That things won out.  That I was not valued enough.  Then the question begs: Am I worthy enough to be valued?  Logically I know that I am of value.  That it is the person choosing things over people that are to blame.  But it still leaves me wondering.  Like a child who wonders if it was her fault that her parents divorced.  As she grows older, she knows the answer.  That it's not her, it's them.  But even as an adult the doubt lingers.  Could she have been better behaved, or smarter, or sweeter?  Would it have helped?  The answer is no.  Always no.  And yet, the question remains in her heart for a lifetime.

And then the real question comes.  "What would I have done in the same situation?"  And the real answer follows.  Thankfully I can often say "no",  and I can be confident that I would have chosen them over the thing.  But there are times when the truth is not so pretty, or so certain.  My integrity wavers and I don't always choose the noble or "right" way.  That's when the full circle moment happens.  Who have I hurt in my quest for things?  Who has felt the ache in their stomach and weeping in their heart because of my choices?  Who have I offended?

goodbye for now, old friend

I became in contact with an old friend again after many years via Facebook. A long time ago we were not just friends, but close and dear friends. Very quickly it became apparent that we had taken different paths in life.  I chose a family life based on faith and love and living honestly. While she also had a family, her life was lived in stark contrast to my own.  She hung with a "hard" crowd and her body began to reflect her lifestyle in all manner of images imprinted upon it.  She chose a life a partying, drugs, drinking and the like.  While she loved her children dearly, it wasn't enough to rid herself of her increasingly hardened lifestyle.  Two days ago I learned that she passed on from this life.  At 31 years of age, she left behind two beautiful children who now have no mother.  I do not know the details of her death, but my gut tells me is it was self inflicted.  And while she may not have intentionally ended her own life, her lifestyle took it from her.

I mourn the loss of her young life.  I mourn the memory of our childhood friendship, which remains vivid in my memory.  I mourn for the two precious children who will grow up with out a mother.  I mourn for her parents who I know loved her dearly.  I mourn that she never knew the truth about how an honest life makes one happy.  I am saddened that she felt emptiness within herself and ignorantly tried to fill with all the wrong things. I mourn for all that she will never experience. I mourn for my dear friend.

It is times like these that I am grateful for the knowledge of the Gospel of Jesus Christ.  I find comfort in knowing that someone on the other side of the veil will teach her the truth. I pray that she will recognize truth and goodness when it comes before her. I have found solace in that someday she will be reunited with her children.

Good bye Suzanne, until we meet again.

a new year

Today is January 2, 2011.

There is so much that I want to accomplish this year.  So much to learn, to do, to strive for, to repent of.  It always seems like the new year is a good time to set goals.  Some years I am able to accomplish all or at least most of my goals, and then some years...well let's just say...life takes it's own course and goals have to be adjusted and modified to fit new circumstances.  None the less, goals are good to make and I think even better if you write them down.  Somehow the act of writing them down, makes them more real.

• Become physically stronger.  I have never in my life been over weight (thank you Illingsworth genes!), but I have not always been strong or fit.  I want to be strong, I want my soft places to become firm, my heart to beat strongly and my lungs to breath deeply with out that horrible burning sensation when I exert myself.  And if by doing so I happen to look fabulous in a bathing suit...all the better.
• Finish the pharmacy tech program and find a job in a pharmacy.
• Become financially secure.  By that I mean that I want to have a plan how to live within a budget and have a plan to get out of debt.  I know that this is a process and will not happen over night.  I also know that we will never be rich, and that is ok.  I only want to be financially healthy.
• Hawaii 4-0.  Ok, so this one is not practical and probably frivolous, but in some way, I feel it's necessary.  Q works so hard and never asks for much for himself, and this is something he really wants.  I want it too, so we will try our best to get there.

I look forward to the challenges these goals bring.  I look forward to sacrificing somethings so that we can fulfill these.  I think only through hard work and sacrifices can we really enjoy the blessings and accomplishments in life.