way to go

I ruined Father's Day.  Right from the get-go.  Way to go, Whit.  I'm pretty sure this will go down in record books as Q's worst father's day E.V.E.R.

I think it's because I'm such a lousy mother.  If I could figure out how to parent better I might not have had a major melt-down at 6:30 this morning.  The plan was to get up, take care of the kids, make breakfast, and let Q sleep in until he had to go to his Sunday morning meetings at church.  I got up, but that was the only thing that went right.  I was incapable of keeping Sol from literally kicking and screaming at me for 30 min straight which caused the mommy meltdown, I ATTEMPTED (amid sobbing) to make breakfast, and with all the racket going on in the next room Q did not get to sleep in.

I wanted it to be a great father's day, for an amazing father.  Quinn is everything I could have hoped for in a father for my children.  He shows and tells them he loves them, he teaches them, he plays with them, he is a great example of goodness for them, and I don't think any child on earth has a better father than my children do.

hand in hand

Corbin took Eliza's hand and led her to play on the playground, so she wouldn't be afraid.  I held Sol on my lap while swinging on a swing, listening to his laughter. And as Q snapped pictures, I thought, "This is it. This is as good as it gets. This is why we are here."  It was a moment when I saw without obstruction the joy that having a family brings.  The kind of moment that should happen more often, but I am frequently too busy or preoccupied to notice.  How many times have other moments like this passed me by without realizing it?  I have rarely appreciated my family more than I did in that moment.

My life is good.  I am very, very blessed.  

less is more

"Because their hearts are set so much upon the things of this world and aspire to the honors of men that they do not learn this one lesson." - Doctrine & Covenants 121:35

This was given in a talk in church on Sunday.  It is in reference to the powers of the priesthood, but I felt it hit home in a different way.  There are so many ways that our "hearts are set so much upon the things of this world" and hinder our ability to "learn this one lesson."  For me it is being in denial of our finances.  It is justifying the things that I think I NEED or DESERVE, when these things aren't needs at all.  And I have so much more than I deserve.

After piecing things together that have been coming on for the past month or so (reading two ensign articles, Q receiving a blessing from a member of the stake presidency, and hearing this scripture read at church) I knew I couldn't live in denial any longer.  More must be done to help us become financially free.  Free from the weight of hefty debt payments, free of panic stricken feelings of "what ifs" and how we are going pay for them, free of the guilt of exceeding our income, free of the fear of losing our home.

The funny thing is, it does feel more free to live on less.  I thought that throwing out the credit cards and turning of the satellite TV would make me feel a sense of anxiety, and yet all I feel is relief.

Less is often, so much more.

a natural instinct

Eliza has given no interest in babies and dolls.  She would pass right by them not giving them a second look.  Choosing animals as her place to focus her love and affection.  I have noticed a change in her recently.  She has been asking to have a baby doll.  {This after I gave her three dolls away because she insisted that she was never going to play with them and didn't want to keep them.}  She suddenly wants to take care of them and clothe them and play with them and feed them and love them.  Then today she said she wants to grow up quickly and "stay a grown up forever".  This again was odd behavior for her. Normally her mantra is, "I don't ever want to get old. I want to stay a kid forever." - just like Peter Pan.  So I inquired why she would want to grow up so quickly.  "So I can have a baby and name it and change it's clothes and love it. And I won't ever get mad at it."

Someday my baby girl will have a baby of her own.  One day she will be a wonderful mother.  The instincts she has within her, that are starting to manifest themselves now, will someday dominate her actions.  When indeed she does have a baby of her own, those instincts will be the one thing that helps her know what to do when she first lays eyes on her own precious child.  No matter what I teach her or who influences her over her life, her natural instinct to know how to be a mother will be what matters the most.

a day to remember

Saturday was one of those days I hope I never forget.  I took Eliza and Corbin snow skiing.  It was Corbin's second time and Eliza's first time.  Corbin was zooming down the mountain (lapping us...he did twice as many runs as E and I did).  Eliza was a trooper, never crying, even when she stayed on the chair lift too long and had to jump off.

One of the things I enjoy most in life is watching my children learn something new.  I love seeing the joy on their face when they realize this new, yet difficult, task is worth the effort it takes.  That great things can come with work and endurance.  Both Liz and Corbin were learning that even though we sometimes fall and get hurt, that it is always worth the effort to rise and try again.  That the reward is greater than the sacrifice.  Who knew that learning to ski could teach so much?

help

Today I am going to work on Prayer.  I think I need to be in constant prayer.  From the moment I wake up until my head hits the pillow.  I'm not sure how else I am suppose to know what to do.

all black

I'm wearing all black today to show respect for my old life.  I think I'm mourning the loss of having time to do things I love, spend large quantities of time with my children, and having one on one time with my husband.  Ok...so really I'm wearing black because that's all I could find that didn't need to be ironed, but the part about mourning is true.  I suppose I should be looking at the glass as half full and celebrating my new adventures ahead.  Sometimes I do, but right now I'm feeling a wee bit overwhelmed.  The weeks ahead look impossible.  I'm already feeling my two year old cling to my leg more, as if he knows what is about to happen.  He can sense that mom will be gone a lot and his life too will be different.

What have I gotten myself into?