Today is my birthday. 31.
Bright and early I received a call from my brothers. Reese and Todd were on their way to their Colorado hunting trip (a past time I will never understand why they enjoy) so they called to wish me Happy Birthday before they went out of cell phone range.
It was Todd on the phone. I miss him. A lot. When I think about it, it makes me ache. Todd was my sibling I was closest to as a child. Not necessarily in age, but in spirit and connection. He would let me tag along everywhere. Even when we were teenagers, he would invite me to go places and hang out with him and his friends. For a time, Todd and I lived with Mom by ourselves. Maybe that's why I felt closer to him than everyone else. We had many times when we were each other's only companions.
Sometimes I wonder what it would have been like if my family was more like Q's family. What if my parents still loved each other? What if there had been no divorce? What if we were one happy family? Deep in the bottom of my soul, I wish this was the truth. But it is not. And when I do think of it, my guilt seeps in. I seem to have a lot of that; guilt. Because I do love my family how it is. I love my sister and younger brothers and step parents. I know that I wouldn't have them if things were different. But I can't help myself sometimes. When I want what I'll never have.
So when I hung up the phone, after a big Happy Birthday shout from Reese, I cried. Silent, but very real, tears.
