little people

I think I've turned a corner in my life.  It's been coming on for a while.  Let me explain.  I used to not like other people's children...very much.  I know it sounds horrible.  Aren't women suppose to be the nurturing ones?  Don't get me wrong, I love my own children, I just didn't have a desire to be around other people's children for extended periods of time.  Two hours was my limit on babysitting.  After that I was constantly checking the clock, wondering when their parents would come.  

A few years ago, a friend told me how much her children loved their uncle.  And she appreciated how he would talk to each of them individually and make them feel special because he was genuinely interested in them.  Something changed in me on that day.  I realized that children, weren't just children, they were little people.  And if you took interest in them, they could become your friend, not just your friend's child.  So I gave it a try.  Amazingly it worked.  Once I began to see children as individuals, they became so much more interesting.  It became fun to learn about them and I began to enjoy their company.

Years have past since this initial trial and the children around me have become important in my life.  Today I spent the entire day with other people's children.  And at the end of the day I am happy.  Happy to know and influence such interesting little people.

memoirs

I have often thought about writing a book.  A novel is out of the question because it requires dialog, and I am no good at writing that.  But recently I have read books that are memoirs of the lives of women.  I thought these books were so fascinating.  I loved looking into other peoples lives and seeing how they live.  The craziness in their life, made me feel as though there were others who experienced hardship mixed in with the fun and good, just like mine.

So I thought about it.  Yes, I could write a memoir about my life.  My childhood was just crazy enough, and I turned out just normal enough that it might work.  Then I realized that if I were to write a book about my life, I would have to write ALL of it.  The good, the bad, and the truly horrible.  Which would mean talking about things that have never been talked about.  It would exploit the actions of all of us,  myself included, some known and some unknown. Honesty would mean my family would be offended and embarrassed and I could lose some very important people in my life if it were ever to be published.

I think that, at least for now, there are some things that should remain unspoken.

finding balance

I struggle between wanting to give my children everything and wanting them to learn the value of work.  I want them to know that life isn't free but sometimes just want to give them something special "just because".

I recently read the book, "Glass Castle" that depicted the amazing life of a family who lived on nothing.  Among other things, they ate moldy bread and canned ham with maggots and food from other people's trash.  They lived in a shack and as children the loved going to school because it meant they would be warm and dry and have at least one meal that day.   They considered everyday items like shoes, clothes, baths and food as luxuries.  My emotions were so conflicted between feeling sorry for them and having a great admiration for them that I would put the book down not knowing if their life, or my life was better?  While I realize that my life with its warm home and bountiful food to eat is probably more desirable, I wonder if the plentiful lifestyle is detrimental to my children's upbringing.  Are they learning anything from being given everything?  Do they understand that although they may not like the taste of their chicken enchilada dinner, that somewhere a child will go without dinner tonight?  That ice cream is a luxury and not a necessity?

I was particularly struck by my internal struggle when in the book, the parents have no presents for their children for Christmas so the father took each child aside and gave them each a chance to pick and name their very own star from the sky.  I compare that to our own Christmas, with presents overflowing from beneath the tree and stockings stuffed with sweets and gifts.  Our children were so excited to see the presents on Christmas morning and loved their new bicycles and toys and clothes.  Then a few days later we gathered with our friends at a fun function to find out that our children were the only children in our group of friends that did not get Nintendo DS's from Christmas.  How do I explain that Santa Claus gave them DS's but not us?  How do I explain to them that we are the "poor" ones in our group, when in fact we are not "poor" at all, but do not have quite as much as others?  I tried to explain that each family is different, that we all live with different budgets and different lifestyles, but to this day (two months later) I daily hear the complaint that they do not have these hand-held video games that everyone else seems to have.  How do I help them be happy with what they have, instead of yearning for what they do not?

How do I help MYSELF be happy with what I have instead of looking at others in envy?

I find solace in the fact that I even ask the question.  The day that my life becomes extreme and I give in to one side or the other is when I should start to worry.  I suppose that is what life is about, finding balance in all things.

our friends family

I love my family.  My parents, my siblings, my exteneded family.  But I have another family.   They are my "friends family".  We don't get to choose our family when we are placed hereon earth and sometimes our personalities do not mesh as well as we'd like.  But our friends are the family we choose.  The family we pick because we admire their qualities, like their personalities, and enjoy just being with them.  We love them as if they were our own families.  But they have families of their own, and at times they must do what is necessary to provide for and protect those families.

We have an amazing group of friends.  People we admire emensely.  It is always sad when one of them moves away so that they can provide for their family.  I admire those that are willing to do what is necessary to be provident providers.  Even if it means that we don't get to see them as often.

When I think about my Friends Family I am amazed at the goodness people have within them.  They are amazing examples goodness.  In each of my friends I find many qualities that I try to emulate.  Just by example they encourage me to be better than I am.

Thank you friends.

people vs things

When we ask someone what they value more: people or things, the spoken response is almost always "people".  But then I am always surprised when their actions speak otherwise.  I especially notice this when someone I love picks a thing over me.  It stings.  It makes my stomach ache and my heart weep.  I am offended.  But mostly I am disappointed.  Disappointed that someone I love chose IT over ME.  That things won out.  That I was not valued enough.  Then the question begs: Am I worthy enough to be valued?  Logically I know that I am of value.  That it is the person choosing things over people that are to blame.  But it still leaves me wondering.  Like a child who wonders if it was her fault that her parents divorced.  As she grows older, she knows the answer.  That it's not her, it's them.  But even as an adult the doubt lingers.  Could she have been better behaved, or smarter, or sweeter?  Would it have helped?  The answer is no.  Always no.  And yet, the question remains in her heart for a lifetime.

And then the real question comes.  "What would I have done in the same situation?"  And the real answer follows.  Thankfully I can often say "no",  and I can be confident that I would have chosen them over the thing.  But there are times when the truth is not so pretty, or so certain.  My integrity wavers and I don't always choose the noble or "right" way.  That's when the full circle moment happens.  Who have I hurt in my quest for things?  Who has felt the ache in their stomach and weeping in their heart because of my choices?  Who have I offended?

goodbye for now, old friend

I became in contact with an old friend again after many years via Facebook. A long time ago we were not just friends, but close and dear friends. Very quickly it became apparent that we had taken different paths in life.  I chose a family life based on faith and love and living honestly. While she also had a family, her life was lived in stark contrast to my own.  She hung with a "hard" crowd and her body began to reflect her lifestyle in all manner of images imprinted upon it.  She chose a life a partying, drugs, drinking and the like.  While she loved her children dearly, it wasn't enough to rid herself of her increasingly hardened lifestyle.  Two days ago I learned that she passed on from this life.  At 31 years of age, she left behind two beautiful children who now have no mother.  I do not know the details of her death, but my gut tells me is it was self inflicted.  And while she may not have intentionally ended her own life, her lifestyle took it from her.

I mourn the loss of her young life.  I mourn the memory of our childhood friendship, which remains vivid in my memory.  I mourn for the two precious children who will grow up with out a mother.  I mourn for her parents who I know loved her dearly.  I mourn that she never knew the truth about how an honest life makes one happy.  I am saddened that she felt emptiness within herself and ignorantly tried to fill with all the wrong things. I mourn for all that she will never experience. I mourn for my dear friend.

It is times like these that I am grateful for the knowledge of the Gospel of Jesus Christ.  I find comfort in knowing that someone on the other side of the veil will teach her the truth. I pray that she will recognize truth and goodness when it comes before her. I have found solace in that someday she will be reunited with her children.

Good bye Suzanne, until we meet again.

a new year

Today is January 2, 2011.

There is so much that I want to accomplish this year.  So much to learn, to do, to strive for, to repent of.  It always seems like the new year is a good time to set goals.  Some years I am able to accomplish all or at least most of my goals, and then some years...well let's just say...life takes it's own course and goals have to be adjusted and modified to fit new circumstances.  None the less, goals are good to make and I think even better if you write them down.  Somehow the act of writing them down, makes them more real.

• Become physically stronger.  I have never in my life been over weight (thank you Illingsworth genes!), but I have not always been strong or fit.  I want to be strong, I want my soft places to become firm, my heart to beat strongly and my lungs to breath deeply with out that horrible burning sensation when I exert myself.  And if by doing so I happen to look fabulous in a bathing suit...all the better.
• Finish the pharmacy tech program and find a job in a pharmacy.
• Become financially secure.  By that I mean that I want to have a plan how to live within a budget and have a plan to get out of debt.  I know that this is a process and will not happen over night.  I also know that we will never be rich, and that is ok.  I only want to be financially healthy.
• Hawaii 4-0.  Ok, so this one is not practical and probably frivolous, but in some way, I feel it's necessary.  Q works so hard and never asks for much for himself, and this is something he really wants.  I want it too, so we will try our best to get there.

I look forward to the challenges these goals bring.  I look forward to sacrificing somethings so that we can fulfill these.  I think only through hard work and sacrifices can we really enjoy the blessings and accomplishments in life.